Got a joke for ya!

Okay, so I got this great joke!

3 kids walk into a beer distributor.

They walk up to the checkout counter with three cases of

beer.

Clerk: Yeah, can I help you idiots?

Kid One: It’s cool dude. We have a consenting adult.

Clerck: ..and which one of you bozos is 21?

Kid two: He is!

Clerk: This is a joke right?

Kid Three: He’s three man….that’s 21 dog years!

This is legit man!

Clerk: Well, when rover here gets a state approved ID…then

you can buy these beers!

The kids take their dog outside.

Kid One: Dude, you think your Mom that works at the DMV

can get the dog an ID?

Kid Two: I dunno man! It’s worth a try!

The dog thinks “When somebody like me is the reasonable

adult, you can imagine what these clown’s parents are like!”

Dog: It’s been so long since I got food and water today, that if

they buy beer, I may as well

drink that! Somebody feed me

today please!!!!!”

Some kids never learn!

LOL!

Written By: Ryan art Soliwoda

Completed On: 11/ 20 / 2019

This written work is copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019

Trust me, you don’t want this apartment!

So, my writer’s group did a compilation thing where we all contributed chapters of a

theme book we were gonna submit to a publisher..

Seeing as it was Halloween at the time.

“THE APARTMENT FORM HELL!” was the theme.

Rats, scorpions, ghosts……this extremely low-rent apartment was cheap for a reason.

Sadly, our leader’s hard drive crashed and the stories were lost.

EXCEPT…….MY CHAPTER!

THE FINAL CHAPTER!!!!!

You now know all you need to enjoy this!

So enjoy….if you dare!!!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

THE END OF THE

APARTMENT FROM HELL!

 

Author:

 

Ryan Hart Soliwoda

 

Date:

 

February 1^st, 2018

 

 

Evening, 2:19 A.M.

 

Lieutenant Homer Thompson

And his protégé,

Laura Legs

Leave the most disgusting

apartment ever.

 

Laura Says

 

“I am gonna shower for

the next year nonstop.

That was the most horrific place

I have ever been!”

 

“Well, looks liken things just got worse.”

 

Said Lieutenant Thompson as he points

to the top of the building..

 

As they look up at the apartment, a giant red

monster appears from the roof. It seems

he exploded from the top of the roof!”

 

“MUAAHAHAHA!

 

I am the DEVEEL!

Lord of the shadow creatures!

 

I will destroy your crops!

Mutilate your cattle!

 

…and poison your children’s minds

with mindless reality shows starring

brain-dead celebrities.

 

BWAHAHAHAHA!”

 

The monster roared!

 

Then, from the distance!

 

An elderly voice cried out!

 

“I don’t think so bitch!”

 

 

Cried out reverend Stinky from the local

chapter of the church of laterday saints.

 

As he yells, the truck of Holy water from

Henry’s Holy Supplies pulls up.

 

“HIT IT BOYS!”

 

The men on the truck get the hose

Ready to fire the holy water.

 

“DEVIL….GET YO RED

ASS OUTA HHEEYAH!”

 

The men on the truck

fire the holy water.

 

The local church goers pray for the

destruction of the DEVEEL!

 

“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

 

The monster cried as he

sunk to the Hell beneath!

 

The apartment and it’s

Vermin go with him.

 

<Scene break.>

 

“Good evening, welcome to

Fox Ten O’clock news!”

 

I’m Mike Jackass.

 

Tonight, an insane catastrophe involving a

red monster terrorized the streets of Philadelphia tonight.

 

A group of local churchgoers, led by reverend

Stinky managed to send the creature

back where he came from.

 

Some people who were said to

live in the apartment

were found outside the building.

 

Their names are withheld for their privacy.

 

Also,

Mayor Numb nuts treated the apartment

dwellers and church goers.

to pizza and beer at Bristol Pike Lanes.

 

Well, that is it for us

at Fox Ten O’clock News.

 

I am Mike Jackass!

 

Good Night!”

 

Written By:

 

Ryan Hart Soliwoda

 

Completed On:

 

February 1^st, 2018

 

The Deveel Character

 

Is copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2018 AND 2019 and beyond!!!!!

 

Why rest needs to happen every summer!!!!!!

What we all do on

Sunday in the summer!

Author:

Ryan Hart Soliwoda

 

Ahh, air conditioning!

 

The trees outside are all colors.

 

Brown, Asparagus and Green.

 

I just mowed the lawn.

 

It was hot as fuck outside today!

 

Just like all of this AND last summer!

 

But I sit here, in my

climate-controlled fortress.

 

Iced Tea in hand.

 

AVATAR, one of my favorite movies is on my TV.

 

My neighbor is watching a baseball game

and I tune in every so often to see the score.

 

Common Phillies, lets get another

 

parade this year in Center City you guys!

 

Less chaos this time okay Philly?

 

My cat looks at me and says

 

“Why do you even bother

 

going outside Daddy?”

 

I stay home!”

 

She says as I grown from all the

 

hard labor I did today.

 

Who the fuck said ALL yard labor was fun?

 

It’s only fun when the sun isn’t torching

 

you like a French Fry.

 

So today, I stay home.

 

Good times, do the same.

 

Stay home all day.

 

Like my cat.

 

Right Piper?

 

My little feline Daughter?

 

She looks at me and says “A-MEN!”

 

Written By: Ryan Hart Soliwoda

Completed On: 08/10/2019

This work is copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019

Me sitting on my back porch and feeling inspired on May 15th, 2019!!!

So, I was sitting in my back yard with my notebook and sketchbook and some artist ballpoint pens. I drew these images of my yard and my neighbor’s yard.

Then, when inspiration stuck, I wrote this below!

Enjoy!

Here ya go…..

Serenity and Zen

 

A happy world made

 

in Heaven….on Earth!

 

 

Trees, stars, the wind

 

in your face.

 

A place of true Zen.

 

This is not Hell on Earth,

 

more like Heaven in Purgatory.

 

Also, why do the best and worst

 

places in the Universe start

 

with the same letter?

 

Relax.

 

Heaven in the back yard is

 

the subject here.

 

Fear not, I am no Devil.

 

I am a nice man.

 

I do amazing things.

 

In fact, we all do if you

 

think about it.

 

But when we relax, how do we find or seek

 

out solace and relaxation?

 

How do we achieve Zen?

 

Why is so hard for so many

 

of us to achieve as people?

 

Alcohol serves as a cheap

 

Substitute to Zen for some.

 

Others find a good beer relaxing and

 

only have two in one night instead of 30.

 

We don’t all need to hallucinate.

 

What does it take to meditate?

 

To clear the mind, to ease the soul.

 

To have the yin and yang or peace

 

symbol hover above our mind.

 

Creating serenity and solitude

 

to achieve peace of mind.

 

Oh, sweet escape from

 

stress and high pain.

 

Work, school, eventually…

 

These things make us want to leave

 

and sit under a waterfall.

 

To feel solace and soulful

 

redemption for the day.

 

Because, sometimes the

 

day needs redeeming.

 

But not today,

 

Especially now, as I sit

 

on my porch.

 

Listening to the birds sing.

 

I feel as if I am not in a day of chaos.

 

Rather one of joyful solitude.

 

The wind blowing against me once again

 

as if by a beautiful mistress of nature.

 

I love it!

 

Serenity, Peace, Zen,

 

Welcome home y’all!

 

Come back soon!

 

Ya hear?

 

 

Written By: Ryan Hart Soliwoda

 

Completed On: May 15^th, 2019

 

Copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019

Hi Mommy! Remember Me?

Happy Mommie’s Day and

 

Happy Birthday!

 

Starring:

 

Jonny Left Eye!

 

 

Hi Mommy!

 

This is Jonny Left Eye!

 

Remember me?

 

I first met you when Brother came to live

 

With me and Daddy after finishing

 

something called high School.

 

I don’t go to school.

 

What is this school?

 

…and why did brother and sister

go there for so long?

 

Anyway, I just wanted to say

 

that I love you.

 

I was always happy to see you when

 

you came to visit brother.

 

I loved how you petted me.

 

You were a good petter.

 

Now, I am up here with Daddy.

 

We go to the Karate School.

 

Every morning except weekends.

 

Whatever those are.

 

People pet me and I wrap my arms

 

around their ankles and wrestle.

 

I’m a Karate Kitty!!!!

 

MMMMEEEOOOWWW!!!!

 

I watch over Brother and his new cats.

 

They are so pretty and nice.

 

Wish I could play with them.

 

Some day.

 

…and remember Mommy.

 

You have to live a full life!

 

I will keep the Doggies busy when they come and visit.

 

They come every night you know.

 

The big Dog kisses my face and the little dog plays chase with me.

 

They are nice doggies.

 

Anyway, Happy Mommy’s Day and Happy Birthday!

 

I love yyyoooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Jonny Left Eye

 

World’s Nicest Boy Cat!

 

 

 

Written By: Ryan Hart Soliwoda and Jonny Left Eye

 

Copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019

Hi Mommy! Guess who this is?

Hi Mommy, it has been a while.

 

Starring Ewok.

 

 

Hi.

 

Been a while hasn’t it?

 

I have not seen you except from

 

up here in more time

 

that I can keep track of.

 

I miss you and Daddy and the kids.

 

Thanks So Much for sending

 

Samantha up here.

 

I remember when you

 

brought her home.

 

She was so pretty.

 

…and nice too!

 

It did not take long for us to

become best friends.

 

Samantha became my world.

 

I still love her today.

 

I remember laying with her every

 

night with her in my arms

 

at your house.

 

I loved that cat.

 

Still do.

 

I used to miss when Daddy

 

would leave in his police truck.

 

I sort of wanted to go with but,

 

Since you were around,

 

I was cool with it.

 

You always made sure I was fed

 

and walked enough.

 

You made life worth living when

Daddy was at work.

 

Anyway, I wanted to say.

 

Happy Birthday and Mother’s Day!

 

I LOVE YOU!!!!

 

Sincerely,

 

Ewok,

 

World’s Greatest Police Dog!

 

 

Written By: Ryan Hart Soliwoda and Ewok

 

Copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019

Why spaceships and super-suits are not in the cards right now for humanity!

LIFE, THE REAL FRONTIER!

 

 

Life, the new business plane.

 

Materials and minerals never

before seen…..

 

And lots of it to be sold!

 

How do we get there?

 

A spaceship?

 

An iron suit?

 

How do we become the Kings

 

And Queens of the cosmos?

 

To become billionaires off what has

 

Not yet been possessed by the human race.

 

Casinos and

 

Resorts on the moon.

 

A live events arena on mars!

 

We dream of being the first to host

 

a concert on Pluto!

 

But sometimes, we wake up

and look at what is around us….

 

…realizing we have not

 

even conquered this frontier as of yet.

 

So life that is the new frontier.

 

Space, we’ll get there, some day!

 

So lets go see what we can

 

do here on Earth!

 

Tomorrow, is the next step!

 

Lets go!

 

 

Written By: Ryan Hart Soliwoda

 

Completed On: 04 / 25 / 2019

 

Copyright: Ryan Hart Soliwoda 2019